CULTURE CRASH

By CHRIS BUNTING

November 14, 2006 -- WITH the paparazzi Gestapo as bloodthirsty as ever, not to mention the rise of autograph-hunting “fans” who double as eBay hucksters, can you really blame the rich and famous for going AWOL whenever possible?

    Sure we can.  
    “Waaaah, I’m a millionaire celebrity who wants privacy, waaaah!”  
   You can run, but you can’t hide, red-carpeters.
    It’s winter, after all, and everyone -- even those sans an IMDB entry -- want to get away.
    So, we present the stars’ top five winter safe-houses - from white-with-snow Aspen, to black-with-Diddy's entourage St. Barts - that are no longer safe, now that you can afford to drop in and say hi.

    Unexpectedly. Unapologetically.  
    So go, indulge your wanderlust, and set your to phasers to pester.  
          
        ASPEN  
        Them: There’s the Illuminati and the Bilderberg Group. And then there’s Aspen, an even scarier and more impenetrable secret society. But if you can somehow gain entry with the special handshake and password (read: make more money than God), the rewards are great - pristine powder that makes for the best skiing in the West, and celeb sightings out the wazoo. What’s the deal with Jerry Seinfeld’s $5,500/night Victorian rental? It’s only the hottest way to stay - as Trump, Jay Z, Mariah Carey, or anyone else worth their divatude will attest. Window-shop until your heart’s content on www.5stardestinations.com.

        Us: Be an anarchist; stay cheap. Just don’t get caught - torture’s legal now, don’t forget. St. Moritz Lodge is a modest option to be sure, but it sits at the base of Shadow Mountain just minutes from the skier shuttle, and has heated pools and condo options (rooms from $90; stmoritzlodge.com).

          
        TORTOLA  
        Them: Whether you’re a celebrity stalker, or just a DEA agent, it might interest you to know that Frenchmans Lookout, on the mountainous British Virgin Island of Tortola, is Kate Moss’ favorite hideaway. It’s not hard to see why. Perched over Sir Francis Drake Channel with 360-degree sea views like the pirate’s den formerly in its spot, this two-story Dixie-styled mansion has five high-ceiling bedrooms, lush gardens, a 50-foot pool w/gazebo, spa and maid service. Better not waste your modeling money on blow if you plan on a visit - the place goes for $35,000 over the holidays, and not much less when they’re over (frenchmanslookout.com).

        Us: On Apple Bay, opposite side of the island, the Sugar Mill is nothing short of a steal - each of its large and clean 23 units (rooms, suites and cottages) have A/Cs and kitchenettes, and given its (relatively) low rates, the number of awards it’s won is impressive (from $245; sugarmillhotel.com).

          
        MARRAKECH  
        Them: As you well know, Angelina and Brad won’t shag obnoxiously loud in just any hotel. The famed adopt-a-holics are just two of many A-listers who’ve graced Amanresorts’ stylish Amanjena property, located in Morocco’s southwestern city of Marrakech. What’s on tap? Deluxe pavilions styled after Berber villages, set beside palm trees and reflecting pools. The real treat is the $3,000/night Al-Hamra Maison that has a separate dining area, private butler and over 10,000 sq. feet of lebensraum - humina, humina (amanjena.com).

        Us: A “riad” is a classic Muslim palace with an interior garden (or so wikipedia tells us). Little surprise, then, most hotels have the word in their names to add pizzazz where there isn’t any. Riad 72, however, doesn’t disappoint. Hip and sleek, four-room Riad 72 has a rooftop solarium offering panoramic city vistas (from $162; riad72.com).

          
        LITCHFIELD HILLS  
        Them: You think Lieberman vs. Lamont was Connecticut’s nastiest cat fight? Wait until Winvian takes on the Mayflower Inn. Hard opening Jan. 1, the Winvian is 113 forested acres in bucolic Litchfield, on which 15 architects designed 18 over-the-top cottages, each with a unique and elaborate theme (one’s a tree house, another is a 17,000 pound helicopter!). Depending on the option, rates range from $1,450 to $1,950 - or, when one just won’t do, the entire property rents for $32,000/night (winvian.com).

        Us: Back when the original two-story Abel Darling house was built a few miles away, America didn’t even have its first president. Those good old days have been preserved here, though now it’s a B&B - still quaint, still colonial, better plumbing. Two spacious bedrooms available (from $125; abeldarling.com).

          
        ST. BARTS  
        Them: There’s only one way to spend that money you could otherwise cure all of Africa's AIDS-infected children with: A Beach Suite at Hotel Saint Barth Isle-de-France! The Flamands Bay hotel has become hotter than Guanahani and Eden Rock (for now, anyway), attracting the likes of (Beyonce?), as well as Michael J. Fox - happily lounging in a Caribbean galaxy far, far away from a certain right-wing blowhard ($2,630; www.isle-de-france.com).

        Us: Last time on St. Barts, we had a harder time spying on topless sun bunnies and chewing gum at the same time than sleeping on a budget - Sunset, Tropical, Manoir de Marie, and Hostellerie de 3 Forces all have rooms for 200 euros ($255) or less. But we forgot maybe the most glamorous of the cheapies: Salines Garden, a collection of cottages and random curio lying on Saline beach. Bonus: that Phil Collins loop coming from the Web site isn’t your imagination (from $89; salinesgarden.com).