McLOVIN'

By CHRIS BUNTING

March 14, 2008 -- ONCE upon a time, a clan of pasty white rappers called House of Pain had such a penchant for jumping around that they devoted an entire music video to the ritual. And MTV saw that it was good -- playing it 800, sometimes 1,000 times a day.

Never mind their obvious lyrical mastery (“Tryin’ to play me out like as if my name is Sega”, et al.) -- what truly immortalized HOP’s wondrous one hit in the annals of time is a half-second shot of a button pin at the 3:17 mark of the video that reads: “F--- ME, I’M IRISH.”

Celtic romanticism par excellence.

Sadly, House of Pain’s all-too-mortal success only lasted another week or so. But the sex appeal that button so eloquently captured lives on. You need only scope out Ireland’s measurements to understand why: 33,000 square miles of lush, green pastures, rocky mountains, lively rivers, a litter-free coastline, those signature peat bogs (whatever they are) and a boat load of historic castles now doubling as B&Bs.

You can baste a chocolate-filled oyster in Spanish Fly and the Irish countryside will still beat it out for the title of Aphrodisiac King. Especially when you’re staring at it from a stone palace where the rooms number in the triple digits.

Trust us: when it comes to the science of love, St. Patrick makes St. Valentine look like a eunuch. Here are 5 of the Emerald Isle’s best love nests to enjoy (note: off-season rates are in full effect; rates include breakfast!).

CAHERNANE HOUSE HOTEL

Killarney, Co. Kerry

Everybody knows the secret to sexual arousal is found in sweat. Besides Cahernane House being a massive 17^th century manor – a former home to earls to other richy riches – the onsite croquet field, tennis courts, billiard tables and nearby championship golf course are sure to keep those pheromones flowing. A Jacuzzi and antique furniture in your suite and the fine wines in the acclaimed restaurant help, too.

Rates: from $161/night; cahernane.com

WATERFORD CASTLE HOTEL

Ballinakill, Co. Waterford

On a 310-acre island within an island sits this 15^th century castle offering 19 bedrooms to play in. You’ll find Elizabethan stone fireplaces and original oak paneling on the inside, ridiculous views of the River Suir and the surrounding woods on the outside. At night, a pianist performs in the restaurant – classier than “bow chica wow wow”, but no less effective.

Rates:  from $183/night; waterfordcastle.com

CABRA CASTLE HOTEL

Kingscourt, Co. Cavan
With a total of 80 bedrooms, god only knows what kind of insane debauchery was going down here back in the 1700s. Try to make history repeat itself. In your down time, go horseback riding, fishing or hiking through the Dun a Ri Forest Park. The 9-hole golf course is supposed to be one of the prettiest in all of Ireland.
Rates: from $129/night; cabracastle.com

ASHFORD CASTLE HOTEL

Cong, Mayo

At this 700-year-old castle, the happiest part of your anatomy – well, second happiest – will easily be your stomach. Enjoy traditional Irish cuisine at the George V Dining Room overlooking the river, or feast upon classical French cuisine in the more intimate, award-winning Connaught Room (the wood carvings rule). Wherever you dine, just make sure it’s by candlelight.

Rates: from $213/night; ashford.ie

KINNITTY CASTLE HOTEL

Birr, Co. Offaly

We’re not sure what Gothic Revivalism even means, but if this 20,000(!) acre estate is any indication, we likes. Fresh off $4.6 million renovations, the arched doorways, old school furnishings and kid-friendly ‘tude make this place perfect for couples with, or just trying to have, children. Just keep them away from the clay pigeon range. 

Rates: from $131/night; kinnittycastle.com

More info: irishtourism.com

Passion place [NYP]