IT'S ALL ABOUT AMERICA

By CHRIS BUNTING

August 17, 2004 -- SAVE your red pants and Cape yachts for bonfire kindling. True “summering” requires nothing more than a healthy indulgence in near-nudity, a trigger-happy finger on the sunscreen, and a corndog and cold beer gluttony that probably doesn’t endear us to a lot of the world—and hey, it’s their loss.

            But alas, we now find ourselves in the twilight of August. Cry not. As summer begins to ebb, as any glorious tide must, let us celebrate, not mourn, the life of a great season that was (and still is if you act now).

            We’re Americans, dammit, and there’s just something written into our red, white, and blue DNA helices that compels us to savor each precious drop of summer right down to the last (especially with winter, school, and other nastiness looming).

            In that spirit, try on these 11th hour of summer must-sees for size. A gator BBQ in Texas, a flea market soiree in Illinois, an indoor waterpark in Wisconsin—all good reminders as to why we’re the greatest country in the world, just in case you forgot.

MINNESSOTA STATE FAIR

            It’s not so surprising to learn the US has more state fairs than states—what’s surprising is that they’re not all haunts for carnie freaks and hicks (not all).

            Case in point—the very popular and unique Minnesota State Fair in St. Paul. The blowing up of stuff disguised as science, courtesy of “Physics Force,” is a fun staple. And the butter-sculpting is always a crowd pleaser (last year it was of the dairy princess’ face—hold the “butter face” jokes if you see her). But mostly it’s all about the 40 different food items “on a stick” you can eat (I didn’t know there was more than one—Walleye apparently, does nicely).

            Musically, no fair beats the ‘sota. Idol Clay Aiken is set to perform, as are leg-loving ZZ Top and “Two princes” one-hit-wonder, Spin Doctors.

            The fair runs from Aug. 26 to Sept. 6, gate admission is $9, kids $8. Click mnstatefair.org for more.

KALAHARI WATER PARK, WISCONSIN

Wisconsin’s Kalahari water park boasts 125,000 square feet of waterslides, inner-tubing, and pool basketball.  But here’s the kicker—it’s got a roof (taking notes, Athens?). ¶

The completely indoor park, allegedly the largest of such kind in America, is part of the Wisconsin Dells-based Kalahari resort. Other neato offerings inside include Jacuzzi, 100-foot river float, wave pools, and a 570-foot (yikes) uphill waterslide, chew on that!

Of course, there’s always Kalahari’s outdoor park. It has a 30-person hot tub. $40 gets you into both, opens at 10 a.m. daily. If you wish to stay at the (not-so-authentic) African-themed resort, you’ll pay about $200/night. Info: www.kalahariresort.com.

TOLEDO MUD HENS

LeBron who?

Meet Ohio’s greatest sports offering: the Mud Hens, Toledo’s minor league baseball team which carries the onus of feeding the Detroit Tigers, yet remains prideful—with good reason.

Though they haven’t a shoe line, the Mud Hens (a marsh bird with short wings, long legs, FYI) have a beautiful stadium (Fifth Third Field), a winning record, and a gi-normous promotions department (WWE superstars will just “drop by”). Besides great minor league baseball—just one rung lower than majors caliber ball—expect baseball card giveaways, lots of thundersticking, post-game fireworks, and free fortune cookies (with prizes inside, yum).

In September, the kids can run around the bases or torture the goofy mascot, and players (the nice ones) will sign autographs. Check out mudhens.com for their schedule—their last home series is against Columbus Sept. 4-6. Tickets are $8, buy online at mudhens.com.

ALL NIGHT FLEA MARKET IN WHEATON, IL

Hot date planned for Saturday? Break it. You’re going shopping, like all damn night.  

            Scoot into Wheaton, Illinois (after scooting around Yahoo!maps, maybe) this weekend and you’ll be complimented on your timing because that’s when locals celebrate their 22nd annual all-night flea market.

            Expect rare antiques amid worthless bric-a-brac (you’ll have to judge which is which, yourself), tons upon tons of treasurers shelling out greenbacks to 500 dealers, and totally nightmarish parking around the fairgrounds (the police are needed for crowd control).

            A heavenly night-long tryst for rare-coin, post-card, vintage toy fetishists but it starts on Saturday at 5 p.m. and promptly ends at 4 a.m. Sunday morning, so no sleep. Consume lots of coffee (if not amphetamines) and bring a flashlight as well. ¶

            Admission is $4, surf zurkoantiquetours.com for info.

GATOR BBQ

Those not lucky enough to become designer luggage resign their fate to Texas BBQs.

            Alligators always hold center stage in Anahuac, Texas (where they outnumber people 3 to 1) but on September 3-4, it’ll be the locals doing the terrorizing for once as they grill up the testy reptiles in the Gatorfest 2004 barbecue cook-off.

Feel free to sample the meat but if you’re afraid it’ll bite back, less-predatory flesh of chickens and pigs will see grill time as well. Historic Fort Anahuac Park, overlooking lovely Trinity Bay, is the cook-off’s location, and beer-gardeners and live country music fans will both get their respective fixes. Stay through the following weekend for other Gatorfest events.

Visit texasgatorfest.com/bbq_cookoff.htm for more visiting info or to, god forbid, enter the contest.

WILDWOODS, NJ

Jersey’s got more going on this summer than starring in indie tribute flick “Garden State”—head now for Wildwoods township in Cape May County. Though lesser known than its Coney Island and Santa Cruz counterparts, Wildwoods’ boardwalk blows both out of the water.

35-year-old Moreys Piers supplies the requisite curly fries and roller coasters (seven), while Splash Zone hydrates your pores and so much more with its “Beast of the East” waterslide and a giant bucket that drops 1,000 gallons of water every three minutes on those beneath. Both offer all-day ticket deals.

Adult fun is had at the in Olympic Casino -- geriatrics hit the slots, daily poker tournaments for the rest. And, the casino’s giving away plasma HDTVs over Labor Day weekend.

There’s more info on gwcoc.com.

TWINE BALL IN KANSAS
    Usually it’s better to focus on the “what” over the “why” in cases of rural oddity. But here’s a story that plays like one of those rare Twilight Zone episodes that’s heart-warming instead of horrifying or tragic.

            In Cawker City, Kansas, circa 1953, farmer Frank Stoeber began rolling up the twine he stored in his barn. At some point this turned into an obsessive hobby and Stoeber stopped using the twine and just continued to grow the ball. Fast forward to 1961, when Stoeber donated it to the town, and the monstrous orb was made of 1,600,000 feet of twine and had an 11-foot diameter, far surpassing the stats of Darwin, Minnesota’s giant yarn ball. But after Stoeber died, the town decided to stage annual twine-a-thons, where the public gets to add said thread, in order to keep the ball growing and ensure its “world’s biggest ball of twine” title didn’t fall into the hands of uppity Darwin. Today, Cawker’s ball weighs 9 tons and has over 7 million feet of twine and is the world’s largest by far (a tornado couldn’t lift this sucker).

            But as it develops smelly mold and continues to bloat, visit before this freak of middle-American nature is no longer classified as a ball (though “world’s biggest amorphous blob of twine” isn’t any less impressive). This week, in fact, is the 2004 twine-a-thon. See http://www.bocksgardencenter.com/cawker for town info.

LOBSTER EATING CONTESTS IN MAINE

Of the five lobster-eating contests Maine is hosting this summer, only two remain. So let your jaws meet claws, if you dare, and bring a bib because this is still a gentleman’s sport.

Here’s how the rules go: 10 fair goers are given four giant cooked lobsters fished from Maine’s waters. They have to eat the tail, both claws and knuckles, and at least two legs—whoever swallows down the whole lot first, wins.

The first contest is on Aug. 28, the last day of the Union Fair in the Blueberry Acres tent, promptly at 1:00pm (two hours before the llama show, don’t worry). $6 admission, union-fair.com.

The second shucking is at the Blue Hill Fair on Sept. 3, in front of the grandstand at 6 p.m. $5 for admission; bluehillfair.com.

Maine’s native “Wicked Good Band” will be rocking both crustacean holocausts on stage.

KITSAP RODEO, WASHINGTON

    Rodeo clown Flint Rasmussen will break funny bones, 21-year-old rodeo queen April Brunzie will break hearts, and the bull riders will break everything else at the Kitsap County Rodeo in Washington State.

            Professional bareback riding, calf roping, and barrel racing will be some of the events at the co-ed rodeo ($12 combo with fair access), which runs August 25th - 28th. On Sunday, Aug. 29, $10,000 is up for grabs for first annual “PRCA XTREAM BULL RIDING” event featuring 30 professional riders ($18).

Wrangle up info on kitsaprodeo.com.