A JOKE A DAY KEEPS ANNOYING PEOPLE AWAY...
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How can there be a joke page without any jokes about French people? Good Point! So here you are, for number TEN JOKE OF THE DAY:
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English Major.
Taking the Major to their headquarters,
the French General began to question him.
The French General asked,
"Why do you English Officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material
makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the Major informed the General
that the reason English Officers wear red coats
is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show
and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day until now
all French Army Officers wear brown pants.
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Number NINE JOKE OF THE DAY (Also known as "the one before number ten!"):
Warning, these are not JOKES, these are REAL ADVERTISEMENTS that have appeared in papers across the country.
1) Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
2) A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
3) Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
4) For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
5) Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
6) Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
7) Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
8) Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
9) We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
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Number OCHO JOKE OF THE DAY is just another fabulous one... and yes, if I last that long, I will go into the teens, fourties, and potentially even the hundreds:
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.
"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
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Numero applies more now than before... Numero SEVEN JOKE OF THE DAY:
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
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Numero SIX JOKE OF THE DAY:
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
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And number FIVE JOKE OF THE DAY (only cause it's true):
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas:
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (campinggear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...
1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
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And number FOUR JOKE OF THE DAY:
A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.
The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where y'all from?"
The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
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And number THREE JOKE OF THE DAY (because I just really like this one):
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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And now THE SECOND JOKE OF THE DAY (and yes, it was the same day as the first one) :
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Ok, so THE FIRST JOKE OF THE DAY is here:
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."
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