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JOKES PAGE 3

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Todays JOKE OF THE DAY is about that nice secretive little box that some people apparently keep under the bed (we would have no real idea about this...). Number THIRTY is funny in that it-is-only-a-joke kinda way, so for those of you who may have taken offense to things ever before in life, why are you reading these anyways? So as promised…

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
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As we lied before about adding two jokes today, we felt bad and figured we would go ahead and give our current readers a second joke today. We will follow up on our last joke about the differences between Men and Women with number TWENTY NINE JOKE OF THE DAY in the same area... but because apparently we men still don’t understand how women work and think, they apparently took offense at earlier today’s jokes, so we will now attempt to appease them with jokes about men… (though they may not be as funny, we hope atleast our female audience will appreciate our attempt… and since men are of course more naturally perfect, these may not apply):

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their sports games, their doctors appointments, their friends, their favorite cereals, their secrets, their hopes, their dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Supposedly women mature much faster than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males still trade baseball cards and give eachother wedgies after gym class. This may explain in part why high school romances tend to not work out.

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about 8 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of the old TV show “Love, American Style.” But since most of our male viewers are too young to have heard of this TV show because they are still in college, they take their clothes to a Chinese-owned place where they will wash/dry/fold their clothes for only a 700% mark up. This is probably why our generation is not considered smarter than the last one… at least not by their standards… and we still look to meet the beautiful girls in the Chinese place.
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In honor of at least temporarily adding new jokes on a somewhat daily basis, we here at JOKE OF THE DAY will add at least two new jokes every day for at least one day! Joke number TWENTY EIGHT is not so much a joke as observations about women. We will now go on for a bit about women… as we all know that women are not at all sensitive, and will take absolutely no offense to these because they know how true they are. If you have any to add, please feel free to send them our way:

A man has six items in his bathroom- a toothbrush (probably blue), toothpaste (Aquafresh), shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel (most likely from a hotel). The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Since all of us here are at JOKE OF THE DAY are not able to name these items, if you happen to have a nice list for us (or are able to identify any of them for that matter), please feel free to send them our way (just submit them in our NEW submit a joke area) and we’ll tell the world.

Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, a strange bald guy you knows head.

To our credit, we men do not decorate our penmanship. We just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain in the ass to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
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There's a lot of problems in the news now a days regarding religion. We don't really care what religion you are, but here at JOKE OF THE DAY we really can't tolerate people who prove stereotypes to be true... stingy Jews, French people, perverted Catholic priests, people named Benjamin, and so on and so forth... Joke number TWENTY SEVEN is a true story:

A cop pulled over a car, and as he approached the driver’s window, he noticed that the car was full of nuns.
Cop: Licence and Registration Ma'am.
Nun, at the ready, handing over both of them: Here you go, sir.
Cop: Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway... why were you going so slow?
Nun: Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.
Cop: Sister, that is not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on, route 22.
Nun: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks toward the backseat where he sees all of the other nuns who are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, but what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.
Nun: Oh, the highway we were just on a few minutes ago had a speed limit of 119.
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Here at JOKE OF THE DAY we have a great amount of respect for our past teachers and mentors. Number TWENTY SIX is for anyone who is in, has had, or will take, a class taught by Mr Scott Rosenhahn. The top five things to do in any computer lab...

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait about five minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
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This Week, in honor of Thanksgiving, number TWENTY FIVE JOKE OF THE DAY will have nothing to go with turkeys, holidays, or anything of the sorts. These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

1)In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
2)In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
3)On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
4)On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
5)On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
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Number TWENTY FOUR JOKE OF THE DAY is more of a compilation of a couple of jokes courtesy of Katie L:

Number One: Two Peanuts were walking down the street... one was assaulted.

Number Two: A man walks into a bar (ouch!) and there is only one couple sitting at the bar, so he sits down at the other end of the bar. He starts eating peanuts while he waits. He hears some soft voice saying NICE SHIRT. He looks around, but does not see anyone but those 2 people and they aren’t talking to him. He hears in the same voice NICE HAIR. He looks around for who said it when the bar tender comes out of the back and takes his order. The man orders a beer, and eats some more peanuts while he waits. While the bar tender is in the back the man hears NICE TIE and he thinks he must be going crazy because there is no one around. As the bartender walks over with his beer, the man hears CUTE SHOES, so the man says to the bartender I KEEP HEARING THIS LITTLE VOICE SAYING THINGS TO ME LIKE NICE HAIR AM I GOING CRAZY? The bartender says NO, IT IS THE PEANUTS, THEY ARE COMPLIMENTARY.
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Number TWENTY THREE JOKE OF THE DAY also comes from my friend (Frank K) and it relates to controversial issues, and should not be read by anyone who may take offense... :

So, it is Passover, and the Prime Minister of Israel has invited over the leader the Palestinians (Arafet?). They start talking, and the President of Israel says: In recognition of the holiday of my people would you let me tell you a story about Moses?
Arafet says sure and the Prime Minister of Israel begins.
After Moses led the Jews from Egypt, they wandered the desert for Forty years. When they finally got to the land of milk and honey, they realized that forty years of wandering the desert was really hot and sweaty, and they needed to cool off. The Jews asked Moses to ask God for a pond, and he did, and God gave them a pond to cool off in. Moses took off his clothes and laid them down by the side. When he got out he realized that someone had taken his clothes, and he began his investigation. After searching the area, he found that a Palestinian had stolen the clothes....
At this point Arafet cut off the Prime Minister of Israel saying Wait just one second... You know as well as I do that there were no Palestinians in Israel during the time of Moses!
The Prime Minister went on saying Well now that we've got that cleared up, can we get down to business?
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Number TWENTY TWO JOKE OF THE DAY comes to us courtesy of one of my friends (Frank K.). If you've heard it before, then appreciate its uncommon popularity:

Five people are on a plane that is about to go down, and there are only four parachutes.
The first person is Pedro who says: I'm one of the best pitchers in all of baseball, my fans and the sport needs me, and grabs the parachute and jumps.
the next one is Hillary Clinton who says: I am a former first lady, a senator and I’m running for president for 2008, my constituency and by god the American people depend on me. I can’t die!
The next is G.W. Bush: I am the smartest president America has ever had. If I die then the country will go to pieces, and he grabs a pack and jumps off.
The only two remaining are the pope and a little boy. The Pope says: I'm the pope, and my church needs me, but I have lived a long life, and you are still young. Take the parachute young child.
The child says: That is ok your holiness we will both make it off, the smartest president in American history took my backpack.

Just because more than one joke is added on any particular day, doesn't mean that they can't all be a JOKE OF THE DAY... here's number TWENTY ONE!

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire:
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
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