The Wicker Man
Never heard of THE WICKER MAN before? Neither had i, until i looked
it up in the IMD and found that there is actually a cult of
people
who maintain that this film is "erotic", "eerie", "unsettling", "witty",
"haunting",
and has an unforgettable, "harrowing", "surprise" ending.
Cinefantastique even dubbed this British flick "the 'Citizen Kane' of
horror films."
But after thinking about it some more, i have decided that none of the
people who allegedly feel this way must be real. All the reviews
must be fabricated, the word-of-mouth recommending this movie
nothing but a
conspiracy of heathens intent on sacrificing the innocent lamb of
art to the ancient god of capitalism. In plain Kings
County English, this movie sucks!
THE WICKER MAN follows Police Sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward,
the chap who played The Equalizer) in a trip to a
remote isle to
investigate a young girl's disappearance. While there, he learns that the
islanders are devout pagans who are trying to cover up the girl's
disappearance, even as they prepare for a ritual sacrifice during a day of
harvest celebration. Deducing that the missing girl is to be the
sacrifice, Howie becomes obsessed with finding her before it's too late.
The ending of the movie is something you can
spot from about
an hour away, especially if you've read Shirley Jackson's most famous
short story, or even seen the 80's Twilight Zone episode about the
doctor and the lighthouse. But that's not even the main problem here -
plenty of great classic stories are predictable.
The problem boils down to this: the character of Sergeant Howie is so
unsympathetic, so
tiresome, and, in the scene
where he fights off a seduction attempt, so just plain ridiculous, that
even
if you DIDN'T see the ending coming, you really wouldn't care what
ultimately happens to him. everything about this guy makes you want
to scream GET A LIFE. despite the fact that THE BLUE ANGEL almost put
me to sleep, i do believe that a puritanical, uptight religious fanatic
can be made to seem poignant or even tragic if the people writing the
story
have talent. sadly these people did not write THE WICKER MAN.
Also, there's this big christianity vs. paganism conflict thing going
on that gets
endlessly
hammered in by cliched references to sacrifice and sex which
i spose might seem momentarily diverting or even thought-provoking to
Jerry Falwell
or Trent Reznor, but NOBODY ELSE.
The nude scenes are plentiful and boring. The nature shots, instead of
being grand and moving, are just nice.
Nice like a no-frills postcard from Connecticut might strike you as nice.
But the music, on the other hand, is awesome! Imagine the Partridge
Family
transported to the 13th century Scottish countryside for a month of viagra
and crack. Delightfully groovy,
hippy
dippy shit with lyrics bawdy enough to make everybody's inner 12 year old
start to grin insanely. i'm totally not being sarcastic about this,
if i ever see the soundtrack, i'll buy it. even at 15 bucks it'd be
cash better spent than the 3.99 plus tax i paid for this two reels o' crap
film.
Grade: B-
(Note: This short review is a version of a post I posted to
alt.movies.monster in the
summer of 2000.)
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