saturday, november 2
They are filming a movie outside my building. There is a large spotlight on top of a cherry picker and it's shining into my window and it's annoying.
I love living in New York. [6:20 PM]
friday, november 1
Luke just got back from the doctor. His therapist, whom he has known for several years, has diagnosed him with Bipolar II Disorder and prescribed a low dosage of Zyprexa, an antipsychotic. The doctors say it will help stabilize his moods and facilitate concentration. They're trying to find the one with the lowest occurrence of side-effects. He has been on antipsychotics before but they usually make him extremely sleepy, so we are watching out for that.
It's taken a long time but at least we have gotten this far. Just one day at a time. [3:50 PM]
thursday, october 31
I am left here by the side of the road, abandoned by all whom I thought cared or loved me, betrayed by everything I dared to place faith in, ravaged by every dagger and poison under God's desolate sky, filled with dust and ripped inside out and spread out to be ground into the dirt again and again. And lying here by the side of the road I see the blackest night blanketing this sorrowful land. I am empty, obliterated, nullified, the absolute value of zero. I feel the destruction behind my eyes, caving in, succumbing to the inexorable gravity I find myself endlessly persecuted beneath. No, persecuted is the wrong word, because I choose this all, every agony, every tragedy. It is all mine, I own it, this beautiful rotting garden. I can only hope for oblivion and dark, the opening up of the earth in a massive chasm, swallowing us all, burning us alive in its own incandescent fury. I see the world turning over in the eye of the crow, surveying us from its knowledgable perch. I feel myself standing on the edge of it all, breathing in the sour wind, reveling in my own tainted metacognition, my senseless, continued existence, my complete and utter insanity.
It is insanity, all of it. And I know, because at the end of the day when the sun sinks below the horizon it is not night but death. A daily apocalypse lived and relived with no end but the beginning. Look in my eyes and you will see this. You will see someone who has been there, and who is now there again. Look at me and you will see what happens to a person when everything becomes nothing.
Look at me. You'll see. I promise you. [11:53 PM]
Sorrow sorrow sorrow sorrow sorrow sorrow sorrow sorrow sorrow sorrow sorrow. AND NOTHING ELSE. [11:24 PM]
I don't want to write, I can't write...I can't see the words on the screen. I feel so heavy and beaten and broken I don't feel like I can ever get up again. And I can't write anymore because I never want to read these words, never want to look back on them and remember this moment. I want this to disappear into infinity into a dark oblivion and never return again.
Please. Please. Just disappear. [11:04 PM]
I need to get high in the worst way.
And that is all I have to say for today. [8:39 PM]
wednesday, october 30
It seems that the people in this building have a just bit too much free time on their hands this Halloween eve. Consequently, our floor looks like an explosion in a party supply store. They are playing loud annoying "scary" music and upsetting Rusty James.
Oh, and I want to adopt this dog. She's a pitbull.
Proof that these dogs are pure adorableness. How could you argue with a face like that? [8:58 PM]
tuesday, october 29
I am now the proud owner of a Logitech Web QuickCam.
Let the debauchery begin. [8:16 PM]
There are footprints all over the walls and ceiling of the elevator. I am frightened. [4:45 PM]
I feel dizzy this morning. I got out of bed and tried to walk across the room and sort of swayed to the left and had to lean on the wall to keep from falling over. The floor seems to tilt when I stand up. I know I haven't been eating enough. I get like this when I'm stressed, I forget to eat, or I don't want to eat, it's too much effort. But I shouldn't be dizzy.
I wish things were different. I wish they were different in a better way. I wish we were together and that's all I want, that's the only thing I want in the world. That's all. [12:17 PM]
I miss Luke.
I'm sad.
I miss him a lot. A lot.Here we go again... [12:39 AM]
monday, october 28
Not much to post tonight, apparently, as I've been preoccupied with my discovery of the wonders of Photoshop (yes, I have heretofore limped along with a pirated version of Paint Shop Pro). You may view my tenuous first attempts here and here. Yes, I have gone insane with the brushes. Bear with me. [11:52 PM]
I got a 93% on my AbPsych exam.
RAAAAAAAAAAAWK. [Cough] Excuse me. [2:46 PM]
sunday, october 27
I introduced Luke to the wonders of Ad-Aware. Strange, he kept making obliquely sexual innuendos the whole time I was IMing him. Having a computer geek for a girlfriend must be thrilling.
Would that be a "quick" scan or a "deep" scan, mister? [11:32 PM]
It's amazing how the B52's "Private Idaho" can almost make me feel like cracking a smile. Ah the B52's: perhaps one of the only three things that made my high school years bearable. [Cut to sentimental mental retrospective of Sarah and her friends lined up in somebody's basement singing along to "Love Shack."]
Yeah, back when I actually had friends. Oh, but let's not reminisce anymore, OK? It's undignified. [7:59 PM]
This isn't really surprising...
I have issues with... religion
innocence
society
mother
excessUncanny, I tell you. Simply uncanny. [3:31 PM]
I'd just like to rant for a moment about people who email me in response to my "For Sale" ad on craigslist, desperately asking me to sell them my Tool tickets, that if I were a true Maynard fan I would sell them to a reeeeeeeel Tool fan...and then DON'T GET BACK TO ME when I email them back.
Hellooooo. Are we all morons here? Somebody's got to buy these... [3:15 PM]
I apologize for all the nastiness last night. Maybe I should just delete that post. I dunno. Had some really fucking awful dreams last night. Woke up and the sun was glaring. Thank god it's cloudy now. I should eat, but I don't want to eat or even try to eat.
Will get through this day. Will get through this day. But it's only 12:30. Good lord good lord. Will get through this day... [12:30 PM]
