tuesday, february 4

So here I am again. Hello.

Things are their usual loopy selves around here. After my first internship went up in smoke, a new magazine is seemingly rising from the ashes and once they "get something for me to sit on" I'll be going in to work at the new mag (horrendously titled BigShot) in Brooklyn. "Apparently, the rest of our furniture will be here by the end of this week," my editor assures me, who has lately developed a penchant for ending all his sentences with exclamation points! presumably because he still at least has the illusion of a job. So, goody, woohoo etc.

I've also began a campaign for my own AM radio show on WNYU. Yes you heard me. My unsteady drone may soon grace the airwaves of the five boroughs, although not if Fate has anything to do with it of course. I attended a recruitment meeting last Thursday (after almost forgetting about it, then remembering 10 minutes before it started, racing down the street, almost running into a flaming trashcan on the way) which I assumed would mainly be signing up to alphabetize records or whatever. Turns out there's a pretty fair opportunity to get your own hour slot to do basically whatever the hell you want, provided it's Indie and Cool and Uncommercial. So I thought Hmm. I'm sad. I'm desperate. I listen to some fucking strange music. Why don't I give it a go.

So I drafted up my proposal and dropped it off at the studio yesterday. My suggested program is called "Mind The Gap" and it's a showcase of British and Irish bands ranging from completely unknown everywhere to completely unknown in the US and including the obligatory indie/trad rock and Britpop as well as some emo, noiserock, C-86, punk, acid house and alternative electronica inclusions. What with the recent resurgance in new UK guitar bands, I should have quite an interesting time. Though I'm doubtful the music elitists at the station will dub my proposal "edgy" or "non-traditional" enough (the majority of their programming seems to be various obscure subgenres of unlistenable techno) I feel I could do a fair job of getting out a lot of quality bands out into the American airwaves.

Case in point: Vex Red, sort of the Linkin Park of the Midlands but much, much cooler and with a delicious gothy electronic edge that makes you want to have sex while listening to Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" or something. "Cause And Solution" is a marvelous instrumental example which I suggest everyone (yes, all 5 people who read this sad blog) download at the soonest possible opportunity. I am determined to get these guys heard. Also high up on my playlist are Irish Therapy?-wannabes Wilt, who despite the occasional turn for the cheesier manage to sound quite sincere and have a knack for that perfect slice of guitar chordage; Cooper Temple Clause, whose "Devil Walks In The Sand" could be Led Zeppelin reunited in 2003 and fed a monster dose of meth-laced LSD; and Hundred Reasons, because, you know, emo rawks (or something).

So everyone, cross your fingers! Yours truly may soon be coming to a radio dial near you! (Yeah right.)

In other news I am [coughsputter] back in "therapy" though I'm taking bets on how many weeks it'll take before this goes to hell along with all my other previous attempts. It's been my modus operandi (can I use that term in this context? you know I don't really give a fuck) to just sit on my hands and grin and bear it, because the bureaucratic machine is more traumatizing to deal with when you're in a depressed state than anything else. But truly folks, I am fucked up, and despite the fact that I've done everything right and still nothing has gone my way, there's no reason to keep thinking that one day all this will pay off. I am still waiting for that one night of uninterrupted sleep and a day without blurred vision, shaking hands and the sinking feeling that everything is slowly going to hell around you, drowning in a simmering pool of insanity. Nothing really makes sense to me anymore, I'm lost in this fog and reaching through with fingertips to just brush the outside world, never grasping or touching it. I really am losing my mind. And it's OK I guess I mean it's cool and poetic and whatever, but fuck me if I screw up my life because of it.

So yeah. Be nice to me everyone. A pat on the head will do me just fine. [3:09 PM]