friday, october 18

Well, I am off to Long Island for the last hurrah. One more swing around the Wantagh Parkway with the windows down and the radio blaring, one more cigarette, one more mint-flavored kiss. For those of you who are as confused as I am, I apologize; I have not made my situation clear. I don't know how it went so fast, came down so quickly without my even noticing it, and now everything is changing and it's more than we've ever dealt with, even last fall when things seemed so unimaginably horrible they couldn't possibly get worse. But this means that we're really in it now, no turning back. We have signed off on that contract. This is the real thing now. If we survive, that is, sanity intact.

Wish me luck, if you're in a wishing sort of mood. I cannot say that I will always be hopeful, but to rip off Morrissey, "My faith in love is still devout." That at least, if nothing else, will never change. [11:51 AM]

Yes, I am aware that in my new layout when you scroll down the navigation links to the left disappear. I am trying to think of a way to anchor them to the page so they don't scroll. If anyone knows, they may kindly email me with their solutions/suggestions. Of course, I don't really know if I care enough to fix it, but at this point I would rather concentrate on this than on anything else that happens to be going on in my life.

Now I am going to eat cereal, and swear at the drivers blaring their horns outside, and wait for Luke to call, and continue on with my day. Carefully, gingerly, as if it could all come down at any moment and spiral hereafter out of my control. It doesn't seem too remote a possibility. [10:37 AM]

thursday, october 17

Sometime this weekend, I'm meeting up with Luke for one last time. After that, we may not see each other until next September.

11 months, 44 weeks, 1,320 days.

I am sad, and I am scared. I am scared I am scared I am scared. [10:57 PM]

Things of note that have occurred in Sarah-land in the past few hours:

1) Stuka has a new layout, this one a bit more appropriately depressing. Hope you enjoy tolerate it.

2) I ordered a tall coffee at Starbucks but they gave me a grande. And I took it too.

3) Some girl I've never met started talking to me about candy bars in the elevator.

4) Sam has introduced me to a friend in NYC who may be able to hook me up with Oxycontin. Look out, folks, the narcotic fiend is out on the prowl again.

Other than that I can't really think of anything to put here, other than I'm waiting for Luke to call, and trying to figure out a way to keep myself from crying when he does. As long as I get to see him one last time before he leaves, maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe. [6:49 PM]

Well, it's official. Luke has to go to Rochester, for an indefinite period of time. Speaking here in terms of months. We will not be going to the Tool concert. I therefore must find a way to sell these tickets. In the meantime, I'm trying to blank everything out and ignore my life. I don't want to say any more. In fact, I don't really feel like writing here any more at all.

So on that note, fuck you very much, and goodnight. [12:39 AM]

wednesday, october 16

I'm not going to even attempt to describe the events of my day thus far, as there are no words to describe the degree of annoyance and discomfort I have experienced in only these short few hours. Rain is fine, and wind is fine, but not in combination, and walking around with an inside-out umbrella in such conditions makes you really feel like a moron for even going outside at all. Then you get to the library and find out your floppy disk has eaten your Writing assignment and reduced it to gibberish on the page. (Well, perhaps that was all for the best.) Ah yes ladies and gentlemen, it is a fine day in the Big Apple, and I am now quite content to spend it hiding indoors, eating bagels and doing laundry.

It's fun to explore the hallways and see what people have written on their doors. Some various bits of wisdom:

"YES!...My ass feels spongy..."
"It felt good, until I realized it was a penis."
"Word of the day: fuck. The act of cumming."

It never occurred to me that my ass might be spongy. But now I just may have to reach back there and check. [2:43 PM]

tuesday, october 15

I don't want to write in this stupid thing anymore. Everything this morning is making me freak out. I woke up and started crying, and I went to that stupid Career Services appointment and the woman was totally unhelpful, and I went to the grocery store to buy some cereal, but I don't want to eat cereal, and I don't want to do anything, and I hate feeling like this and I hate feeling like there's absolutely no hope for either of us and I just wish I had a job or he had a job and everything would just be OK for like a week or two like a little vacation from all this, but no it never happens, and I don't understand how everyone else seems to have a handle on things and we just can't get it. I don't want it to be this way and we deserve better. The radiator in my room keeps smelling like burning plastic and this is another thing I just don't want to deal with. I wish we could just run off to a deserted island and never come back, just the two of us, leave all this fucking shit behind. I'm tired I'm tired and I want this to all be over so we can just be happy for once, just for fucking once. We deserve it, we have waited so long for it. I just want it to be ok. [12:33 PM]

monday, october 14

glass

it has a way of
shattering like dreams
at the most inopportune moments:

once as smooth as the surface
of water,
now it is battered by this
familiar grief
like stones thrown
through church windows,

splintering
with the weight of our obligation,
our unique fate.

but our glass hearts are unbroken.
your eyes are bottle-clear

reflecting
the entirety of worlds
held together
by this fragile transparence.

[7:15 PM]

Nothing else to say in the way of confession or revelation. I've been listening to the final strains of "Judy Blue Eyes" with obsessive repetition and thinking of how they sounded as we sang guilelessly along, winding through the rainy Suffolk county roads on a dim Saturday night. I read my final poem in Writing today; the Brooklyn girl has decided she now adores my writing and went so far as to declare my last piece a "fantastic improvement" over my earlier ones, to which the rest of the class objected on the grounds that my earlier styles were of equal merit as my current one, punctuation or not. She proceeded to sulk, but at least it gave my ego a much-needed boost.

Since I don't really have anything else to tell you, I might as well post it here, in lieu of futher explanation/insight. There were suggestions as to possible corrections or improvements, but I feel that it needs to stay the way it is. "Unbroken," if you will. Stay tuned. [7:11 PM]

sunday, october 13

I haven't forgotten about this place, I've just been away since Thursday. Luke and I had lots to talk about. And now I have to finish up a French assignment and a paper before tomorrow morning. Maybe I will be able to fill in the details soon. I'm not really sure if I feel like talking about it. And no, we aren't breaking up. Circumstances are just really strange at the moment. OK that's it. [6:24 PM]