saturday, december 14

This is possibly the funniest site I have ever seen. Ever. I'm naming my kid Voiturenez. It's French for "Automobile nose."

Ahahahahaha etc. [5:56 PM]

My dad called this morning and said that he broke his wrist yesterday on a patch of ice. He had to go into surgery and now apparently has a bunch of metal pins sticking out of his arm. If I have to see them I am certainly going to hurl. I feel bad for him though. He doesn't do well with incapacitation. And as long as he keeps the whole thing properly bandaged and out of sight I'm sure I can remain sympathetic (and conscious). [2:09 PM]

friday, december 13

Well I indulged myself again and got my hair cut at Bumble & Bumble (I look forward the most to getting my hair washed by those Caribbean massage-artists...ah the wonders of a neck-rub). It's a bit different this time although if I want to spike it out again I can. But this time I left it somewhat tame in the hopes that I don't look like a psychopathic teenager. It got a bit messed up after I managed to get on the world's most crowded 6 train ever on the way home. So, I can't vouch for it's quality, but at least it's a change.

For all who're curious, here I am in all my recalcitrant glory.

Wow I look like a total cheeseball. Oh well. [5:06 PM]

I know I'm crazy, but Moby's new music video for "In This World" made me cry. I feel so bad for those little aliens. They just wanted to say hi.

Oh sniff bawl. [1:42 PM]

The Land's End Model Generator is a source of endless amusement and (occasionally) horror. This is apparently what my figure looks like now:

And this is what I would look like if I gained 200 pounds.

Thus I should stay away from the bagels and nachos should this unfortunate fate befall me. (I think the first figure is a little generous with my thighs, by the way. Not that I'm complaining.) [11:29 AM]

I like when it rains in the city. Because at night I can lie in bed and close my eyes and pretend that the whush of cars driving over the wet pavement is the crash and roar of the ocean. It's easier to believe that things will be all right when you believe you are by the sea. I don't know why, but it is. [12:43 AM]

thursday, december 12

OMG. My name is going to be printed in the magazine. Even if I don't get an article published, I still get listed under the "Overworked Interns" section of the credits on the third page. This is incredible. I think I may faint. I am not overreacting. Shut up. [10:27 PM]

The maintenence men in our building our strange. Two guys came up to my room to unclog the sink drain, and one of them worked while the other one watched the Animal Planet show I was watching on TV. "Oooh puppy!" he crowed repeatedly. Yes, puppy indeed. [1:48 PM]

Grrr. I got up early this morning, got ready, did my hair and everything, was all set to go out to a review session for my science class, then checked my email and found out it had been cancelled.

I do NOT like getting up early when I don't have to. I am duly pissed. [10:53 AM]

wednesday, december 11

LOL!!! The Land's End Model Generator is being mean to Anthony. [11:41 PM]

Luke just reminded me of a rather interesting encounter we had one day in Manhattan. "I remember when you and I walked past that guy in a business suit except he wasn't wearing pants, and you didn't notice."

What? I think I would've noticed something like that...

"And you were like, 'Wow, they were being so rude to that guy!' And I was like, 'Well, that's sometimes how people treat people who aren't wearing pants,' and you were like, 'What?!!' and I was like, 'Forget it. Keep walking. Don't look back' hehe lol"

Man, why do I always miss the interesting stuff. It's not fair. [10:48 PM]

tuesday, december 10

The editor at Mixer emailed me asking when my first day would be. I told him that I would probably be back the second week in January and that I would be able to start the 16th. He responds with a succinct "Awesome!"

I think I'm going to like this place... [11:42 AM]

monday, december 9

So in the midst of my celebratory ecstasy re: my internship, Masako called in total hysterics, wanting me to come visit her and take the key to her apartment and get her laptop and her books and her clothes and bring them to her and then email her professors and tell them she can't attend finals. I feel my boundaries being gently tapped. I wouldn't mind doing all that for her, I'll talk to her teachers, get her shit, but I cannot go in that hospital. After the grand Bellevue debacle last year my sanity slips a little at the mere thought of psych wards. I would do everything else for her, despite the fact that I barely know her and I'm only involved in this because Divya's never around to take her calls. I know I am a heartless bitch but I am a heartless bitch with tenuous mental stability and I must hang on to every shred of coherence that I possess. I will do everything I can and then I have to hide behind my boundaries. I'm sorry. I'm just a bad person. [11:18 PM]

"Take stuff from work. It's the best way to feel better about your job. Never buy pens, or pencils, or paper. Take them from work. Rubber bands, paperclips, memo pads, folders, take em from work. It's the best way to feel better about low pay and appalling working conditions. Take an ashtray, they got plenty! Take coathangers, take...uh...take a trash can. Why buy a file cabinet? Why buy a phone? Why buy a personal computer or word processor? Take em from work! I took a whole desk from the last place I worked. They never noticed. And it looks great in my apartment. Take an electric pencil sharpener. Take a case of White-Out, you might need it one day. Take stuff from work! It's your duty as an oppressed worker to steal from your employers. It's going to be an outstanding day! Take stuff from work, and goof off on the company time. I wrote this at work. They're paying me to write about stuff I steal from them. Life is good." [8:37 PM]

I GOT THE INTERNSHIP!!! I got the freeeeeakin internship!!!

I think I'm going to implode now, hang on. [2:18 PM]

sunday, december 8

Well, I have given Divya the hospital number Masako gave me. She has tried repeatedly to get in touch and was finally told by the person who picked up that Masako was asleep. I have not told her that she attempted to OD. I'm not going to. I don't know why. Is this cruel? I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, and honestly I don't know why Masako told me in the first place as I've never had anything more than the most perfunctory conversations with her. I have enough mentally ill people to deal with, my boyfriend and myself among them. I have no more room in my heart to give therapy to another. I can barely keep it together. So I must leave it at that. I am sorry for all the misfortune in the world, I really am. [10:57 PM]

I know with everything else going on I shouldn't be thinking about it, but I am, I guess because it makes me feel comforted or something even if I shouldn't be, I don't know. I'm thinking about the last weekend we spent together (Luke and I that is - I know fuck me for constantly returning to this theme in times of crisis). When things are extremely sad I think of how happy we were. It doesn't make sense but I know it existed and that is reason enough to believe that I, we can be happy again like that. That Saturday night we smoked clove cigarettes and drove across Long Island with the radio blaring and our hands held together, laughing so hard and just speeding down the road like nothing the fuck was wrong. This song by the Cult came on, "She Sells Sanctuary," and that boyish enthusiasm I love so much to see on his face came over him again as he chattered excitedly, "Ohmigawd, the CULT. They RAWK. I was so into them. They toured with Jane's Addiction." He sang along to the last lines, "Sanctuaraaaaaay! God I loved this band. Ever hear of them babygirl?" No, I had never heard of them. But this song was really awesome. "Yeah, it really is. Everyone who you talked to about Jane's Addiction would say 'Yeah I saw them this one time with the Cult.' Great band." They were great. The song was great. It was nighttime and the road was full of cars and kids changing lanes and disobeying traffic laws and it was great too, it was like the night was liquid and we were jumping around it and letting it flow over our skin like the music, the radio was talking to us and all the neon lights were blinking eyes, and broken windows laughing, gaping mouths. It was a great night and we were having so much fun.

We meandered up north towards Huntington and then out to Centerport again and that ridiculous System Of A Down song came on that made us double up in hysterics the first time we heard it. And I was howling along to the words and he was laughing so hard he could barely steer. "Baby you're cracking me up Jesus," he screamed as he went over the double yellow line. We talked about music as we drove along further, how it had influenced us, and by that time we were lost in the dark woods and we kept driving and then we came to the water. Little points of light flickered like diamonds on the surface, and it was so calm, so peaceful, boats were tied to their moors and floated placidly in the dark. Then Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" came over the radio and we both like gasped because it was just too perfect, too perfect. So we pulled to a stop and we sat there still holding hands, just looking out at the water and listening to the song that we listened to so many times before at the end of our favorite movie and feeling like no matter what else ever happened in our lives that nothing could kill this instant. And every so often he would lean over and kiss my forehead, because I knew he would, and we knew everything, felt everything. I remember taking my gaze away from the water and fixing it on his face, his arms, his body, trying to memorize it because I knew it was the last time I would see it in its detail for a very long time. I drank it in and painted it on my consciousness, and I still remember the way he looked, head shaved, eyes clear, arms thin and muscular in the sleeves of his t-shirt. I still remember it, and in that way that moment has not died.

Then the song ended and we both looked up and out again and we drove on through the woods and the darkness, getting lost and not caring, ending up on the highway again and talking about so many things, just talking like friends, laughing, singing along to the radio, stopping at 7-11 (he always insists on getting out of the car and waiting for me by sitting on the curb in front of our parking space - "reminds me of being a teenager" he says, smiling happily). Finally we went home, because it was late, and we had sex and it was great, and afterwards we lay down and he pulled the covers over me and I tucked my arms underneath so all that was above was my head, and he just held me like that, wrapped up in blankets, kissing my forehead now and then, telling me "I love you my baby. I love you. I love you." That was what I heard when I finally fell asleep. But that wasn't really the night. The night was us driving, driving with nowhere to go. I can't tell you how significantly symbolic that action has become in my mind, even all these months later. That was when we were our happiest, our most free, the time when we laughed the most and smoked the most cigarettes and held each other's hand.

I would give everything up to have one more night where we could just fuck the world and drive. [7:50 PM]

So. Apparently Masako tried to kill herself last night. She called me from what I think was Elmhurst hospital babbling about things I couldn't for the life of me understand and was like "Pills and alcohol and yah I was kinda scared thought I was going to die" etc.

So. Maybe the whole world has gone to shit. I have no idea.

I have to eat something. [7:12 PM]

Lots of mornings I wake up and as soon as my eyes open I am struck by this sadness. Biological theorists would postulate on the quickly-changing levels of neurotransmitters in my brain. I think it's just because it's too fast. I am pulled to the world of the waking from my relative safety in sleep and I am not ready to face the morning light. Usually it wears off by the time I get out of bed. Well, sometimes.

Right now, I would give anything for it to snow again. I really would. [11:57 AM]