February 2, 2004

I thot of this story today while reading the paper:

Donald’s Great Joke

Donald eased back into his recliner with the Sunday comics. He often cut out his favorite cartoons to post on his cubicle wall. Donald enjoyed the smiles and comments the clipping evoked from his co-workers who noticed the newest additions that were made almost every Monday.

Today, Donald was having a tough time deciding weather Cathy’s latest shopping crisis, or Ziggy’s most recent row with his pets, would resonate best among his colleagues.

Donald’s consternation over whom to pick was so distracting, that while cutting through the newspaper he continued right on after finishing and sawed straight through his left wrist.

The scissored hand fell to the floor next to this week’s edition of Parade Magazine and spewed blood all over the carpet and coffee table.

Donald remained calm, and resolved to make the best of what had to be some of his worst luck yet. He picked up his lifeless hand with his remaining attached appendage and carried it to the kitchen table.

After a few pensive moments, Donald hatched what he thought was the greatest idea of his life. He figured out how to turn this seemingly unfortunate accident into one of the all time greatest jokes the world had ever known.

Donald swept his dead hand off the table and stuffed it in the front pocket of his hooded sweatshirt. He jammed his hemorrhaging left arm in the pocket afterwards, and grabbed a can of Cherry Coke from the fridge before running out the door.

Down the block Donald sprinted, until he arrived at the local opera. Normally, guests are not allowed inside looking like Donald, but when questioned by the concierges about his appearances, Donald spilled a little Cherry Coke on his blood-drenched clothes and exclaimed, “Whoops! Clumsy me!”

The concierge rolled his eyes and chuckled and ushered Donald into the auditorium.

Donald was on the verge of passing out when the maestro finally took the stage. Donald prepared to put his master plan into action. As the Orchestra readied themselves and the audience stood to applause, Donald leapt up and shouted, “Hey everyone, let’s all give this guy a great big hand!” And with all his waning strength, Donald chucked his severed left hand at the conductor.

The hand landed on the face of the lead violinist with a loud wet smack. After a brief moment of shock, the musician held the hand up for everyone in the concert hall to see, to which they all erupted in laughter and approbation, finally getting what was, to most of them, the funniest thing they had ever seen at the opera.

Donald, sensing the approval, at last bled to death a happy man.