Are you tired of your country sucking ass? Tired of having to reinsure investors of the austerity of your fiscal policy while always having to reschedule never ending debt payments with the World Bank and IMF?
High commodity prices stunting economic growth?
Are you tired of having to deal with moron electorates who don’t
know what’s good for them?
Are you tired of having to deal with the French?

Then consider the services of myself, Varun Sharma, benevolent dictator.

Experience: None really. I was president of some lame clubs in college and I showed leadership skills on my intramural basketball team when I hit three threepointers in a row with 28 seconds left in the first quarter. I read the Economist and Wall Street Journal a lot and a lot of books on world history. I also have played approximately 4,000 man hours of Civilization3. I also recognize the inherent unity of all things as well as the immediate and long-term benefits of scientific method.

Requirements: I seek no salary. Only the following:

6-8 of your country’s most fertile females.
An Ipod.
NFL Sunday Ticket
Full unit of Praetorian guard and/or Secret Service
Bulletproof everything

I will not reveal the totality of my plans, but I do intend to raise your loser country to scientific, economic, jazz music and possibly military powerhouse within 6 years. My plans would include a few of the following.

* Mandatory military service or ninjitsu/samurai training for 16-19 year olds. Click dis for proper Military Strategery

* Total liberalization of market with minimal regulations and flat tax on expenditures, no tax on income.

* No tariffs or subsidies for any pussy industries that can’t compete (competition rules so hard).

* No eating carb heavy meals after 6pm.

* Denomination of currency would be renamed to “nigbot”. 1/100 of a nigbot would be a “nig”. 100 nigbots would be a “nigbot franchise”.

* Commemorative nigbots will be released from time to time depicting founding epics of country, including Leipzig Adventure and Rooftop Calamity.

* Television would be state owned, but shows would be required to be hilarious all the while maintaining vigorous standards of portraying unfair and balanced racial stereotypes. Also, 3 channels would be devoted to 24 hour Kung Fu and Bruce Willis movies. 4 channels will be dedicated to primates, 3 of them to chimpanzees, and one of those channels to chimpanzees that have dogs as pets. The chimpanzees would be required to wear Hawaiian shirts with banana patterns.

* I would immediately declare war on some small white country, such as Denmark or Lichtenstein, as to establish street cred within my own population and others in the “Arab Street”. I would not instigate hostilities, however, or we could exchange ‘friendly fire’ and practice against each other.

* Freedom of the press would be maintained, but Marxists will be severely beaten if they say anything really stupid and unresearched.

* Also, converting to any religion other than Buddhism will not be tolerated (but more like Buddhism with a Protestant twist... work ethic and all).

* Braveheart will be the national movie.

* All military level meetings will take place under the influence of marijuana and possibly other non-agressision inducing drugs, including meetings with other heads of State. These meetings will be broadcast on television. 311 will be the official music of these meetings.

* Fat people will also not be tolerated. Health care will work because no one will be fat and useless. Smokers and gay people who put bizarre objects and gophers up their anuses will not receive health care.

* Parents will be punished for stupid shit their kids do.

* In keeping with tradition, Jews will once again be the official scapegoats of government and society.

* In keeping with tradition, Jews will also own the media.

* Market forces will dictate drug use, not Christians, Chicago Newspaper barrons, the cotton industry, the Pharmaceutical industry, J. Edgar Hoover, or whatever other random entity that managed to convince my parents that such naturally growing substances were not in the societies' interest.

* Gang rivalries will no longer be based on coastal affiliation or geographical locale. Instead, gang rivalries will be along more academic lines, specifically neural scientists vs. psychologists, in the century old debate about how useless and increasingly irrelevant psychology is.

* Violence against women will not be tolerated, but shaking the shit out of them will be strongly encouraged.

* Nuclear fission will be pursued at all costs, while intense pressure will be put on other countries to figure out Hydrogen technology shits.

* Separation of Church and State goes without saying, but Shaolin Temple and State will be closely conjoined.

* All women’s menstraution cycles will be synchronized and then neutralized as to try and minimize disturbances to economic productivity and increase general sanity of everyone else. Speaking of bitches..

* All dealings with France will be minimized as well. French fries will be renamed to You fucking suck you piece of shit France fries.

* All war mongering will be conducted by non neo-pussies, meaning officials who have served or with their own kids in the armed forces.

* Parents will be punished when their kids fuck up. I can’t emphasize this enough.

* Uneducated people will need to obtain permits to reproduce. (Minimum requirements to reproduce being a highschool diploma and a mandatory 2 week family planning course).

* And finally, rich people will be required to learn how to break dance, so that they are not completely worthless and lame.

* My reign of prosperity will end when I deem it time for democratic elections and/or I get drafted by a Major League Baseball team.

The following potential cabinet positions have already been filled.
Advanced Bison management - Saddaf
Intermediate Bison management - Turkish
Secretary of State - Colin Powell
Surgeon General - Dr. Pepper
Head of Pootie Tang - AK
War Czar - Crown Prince Adam Wasserman
Secretary of Chinese Shit - TBA
Dusseldorf - Jeff Shyu

* If my credentials and/or ideas interest you, please contact me (I’m lookin at you Kenya and/or Argentinia). I guarantee my policies will work and that people will joyfully follow my decries or you can kill me. If this is the CIA, I’ll consider being a double agent if you teach me how to kill people without an ax.
E-mail address: vds203@nyu.edu

- In Benevolence we Trust -