On military doctrine

Unfortunately, even though the Cold War has been over for a decade and a half or so, our military establishment continues to train an army suited for traditional warfare chock full of nukes and proper infantry and cavalry divisions. This sucks, and we know it. Our troops kicked ass and took names in Iraq in a blitzkrieg attack that Germans could appreciate. However, our army was one upped, by not only by guerrilla insurgents, but also by the souring of international opinion and the vastness of Russia (not to mention general strife).

It may seem bleak, as our enemies completely disregard any sort of code of war conduct, juxtaposed to our generally Geneva Convention abiding (and might I add, kick arse) soldiers, but having been trained in military strategy (with a minor in naval tactics and fine arts), I believe there is a way to raise the effectiveness of our armed forces, in many cases, 17 fold. It is the simple but unfortunately overlooked lessons from history that hold the key.

My design for the armed forces would include the following:
All heavy infantry divisions will be replaced by ninjitsu divisions. Ninjas are without a doubt, the most effective weapons ever. A whole army of ninjas, and maybe just like half a division of them, would likely have completely decimated Saddam’s entire army, and killed Saddam himself in about three days. They could even have planted weapons of mass destructions somewhere in Iraq so that we wouldn’t have looked like such foolios, and none would have been the wiser.

To quadruple the ninjas’ effectiveness, every unit of ninja’s will be complemented by two units of state of the art robots that shoot killer or ‘Africanized’ bees at the enemy’s crotch. This is by far thee ultimate weapon that no one can defend against. Together with ninjas, this is an unstoppable force. The enemy will be so scared and preoccupied by the robots, that the ninjas would be able to do absolutely anything they wanted.

To triple the effectiveness of both the ninjas and robots together, a unit of Samurai’s would also be deployed. The Samurai’s are the ninja’s traditional enemies, but because sword wielding is admittedly kind of silly in front of machine gun armed guerrillas, Samurai’s would just poke gawking onlookers with their kitana blades, and they would also begin restructuring the country’s political machinery while the ninjas were taking care of business. Using their kitana blades, Samurais could also perform emergency C-sections on pregnant women who accidentally forget to go into labour (obviously they’d need some extra training for this). This 1, 2, 3 punch would be utterly unstoppable. The samurai’s would also be complemented with Sight Beyond Sight, and also a battalion of Cyborg Primate Snipers™ (note, these monkeys would only be effective for primarily jungle warfare). This 1, 2, 3.5 punch is absolutely unstoppable.

One may ask what separates ninjitsu from the other venerable martial arts. Whereas other martial arts focus heavily on mind, body and defense, ninjitsu is much simpler, focussing on two principle tenets. (My own knowledge on ninjitsu comes primarily from my training by these ultra suite wiggers from W. Virginia) the first principle for a ninja is to avoid confrontation. It is imperative that a ninja never actually uses his knowledge of ninjitsu. However, in the instance a ninja cannot avoid confrontation, he has no choice but to kill his attacker... with the attacker's own weapon... while it is still in the attacker's hand. This is the second precept of ninjitsu. This is awesome. The simplicity of ninjitsu makes it the most pragmatic and effective style of self-offense.

Because this idea is so revolutionary, most people would be quick to discount me as being quixotic, and say things such as, ‘this is just silly, because even though it sounds like a good idea, someone should have implemented it by now, and since no one has, there probably is a good reason for not implementing it’. This is a faulty line of reasoning however, because I was praying to God the other day, and I was like, “God, please help our troops dominate Iraqi’s and let them come home quickly. How can we make it so that our armed forces rule the hardest in all of the land?” And to that, God replied “Ninjas”. The moment God said that inside my head, I knew exactly what he meant. My right lateral meniscus queefed uncontrollably (I needed to get arthroscopic surgery for that =( . You really have to envision divisions of ninja’s. This is like, tens of thousands of ninjas clad in black robes. Ninjas are assassins. They would not be killed by car bombs, surface to air missiles, sarin gas, napalm or anything, except maybe by other ninjas and possibly some samurais and/or shaolin monks.

Ninjas are so ideal because they don’t even need expensive armour or arms. They only need some knives and moccasins. Ninjas will also kill themselves if they fail their mission. This gives them extra incentive to accomplish their mission. Even if a ninja is taken hostage, in about 15 minutes, he’ll end up performing reverse hostage taking, and he will take everyone else hostage, this ancient procedure also known in Chinese as Chyungkunglao. Ninjas can also rescue civilians that have been taken hostage, with ease. Ninjas also definitely aren’t gay, so there would be no problem about having gays in the military. The only downside is that ninja’s might not adhere to the Geneva Conventions in all instances, but since ninjas are so clandestine, no one will really know what the hell they are doing, so none will be the wiser. Ninjas don’t even need air support (and in fact, they despise it, as it just gets in the way), so there would be minimal damage to infrastructure, as well as minimal loss of human life, (and foreign media might stop bitching like the helpless little babies they are, for once).***

Another huge problem faced by our military is the legitimacy of using force. Ninjas always legitimize the use of force. I honestly find it hard to believe that anyone would protest the use of ninjas in any instance. Being attacked by ninjas confers a deep respect by those who are attacked, and thus there will be so little resentment and/or insurgency. Even for Islamic countries that hate us, it says specifically in the Koran, “Infidels suck, except for Ninjas and possibly lumberjacks. These two types of human supercede any other types and one must strive to emulate their dominance”, and no one can argue with that. The only people that do not appreciate ninjas, however, are the Japanese, who accidentally eliminated them about 130 years ago.

In terms of peacekeeping duties, Samurais are okay at peacekeeping, but ninja's rule at it. People will be so afraid of ninjas, they will, by definition, become peaceful.

In conclusion, we would save so much money, resources and lives by restructuring our armed forces in this way, that we could easily knock out a good 5-6 dictators a year. One problem about having so many ninjas, is that some people may say, well when there are no other wars, ninjas might start attacking regular, law abiding citizens. Well, this isn’t true because I have suggested deposing 5-6 dictators a year, and if I remember correctly, ninja's spend 2 months a year at training camp. Others may argue that we shouldn’t stick our noses in other country’s business, but that is just crazy talk. Fanatically respecting ‘the national sovereignty’ of other countries has rendered the United Nations almost completely useless. It is definitely the responsibility of countries that can afford to do so, to remove shitty despots (achem, I’m lookin at you France). In summation, ninjas will help us to achieve all of the aforementioned goals (God, I hate France).

PS We could keep our ‘regular’ army, meaning our regular infantry and tank divisions and airforce, as I forsee an actual ‘regular war’ with France in the future.

PPS Actually, we could just send the US Women’s Volleyball team to fight France, and France would probably surrender.

PPPS We actually could probably just send the Canadians Women’s Volleyball team.